okay, i’ll admit it – i’m scared. i’m scared that the world is going to end before i do. i don’t know how to deal with that. the idea was always that i was a finite point and whilst i couldn’t choose my beginning, my ending would be on my terms. there’s dignity in choice. take that away, and what do you have left? but now, now it feels like the world is going to end and i’m not ready. i haven’t done enough yet. i don’t know what i was planning on doing – but – something. and if the world ends, really fucking ends, then it was all for nothing, wasn’t it? this entire endeavour. a shout into the void. sartre’s existential crisis, writ across the entirety of human history.
it’s funny, i didn’t think i’d be scared. the world ending should be a get out of jail free card, right? the ultimate excuse.
but i’m scared, heart in my throat scared.
and i’m not sure what to do with that.