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This body went to war and came back changed
This body is scarred now and this body heaves with the weight of what it has lost and what it has gained
This body is small and bird boned but it is full of rage too
This body is shrapnel and sharp edges and you don’t get to decide who smooths them down
This body is a mirrored reflection, and oh by god, it lies
This body is a half finished thing and I cannot pretend to know what it’ll be in ten years time
This body is what is left of discarded pieces of marble
This body is an afterthought, an almost, a not quite thing
This body is, quite reluctantly, a home
This body has many chapters
This body is a breathing, living beast and beyond that I cannot say
This body is, and is, and is, and I could swallow my tongue to quell the uncertainty in my throat
And yet this body walks and talks and sings and loves
So maybe there is promise in that
Maybe it is still good.

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‘dandelion’s song’ is an idea I had when I couldn’t sleep, and decided to write and record as part of a quarantine music project I’ve called The Bardling Project. I can’t play guitar or sing, but sometimes you don’t need to be good at something to still use it creatively.

LYRICS:

they say be brave,
but don’t shout
no-one wants to know about
all the reasons why your
heart skips a beat

and they say hey, can’t you tell
you’re not looking too well
and it’s all very well
feeling green

i say oh i’m all right
i’m just breathing in the sight
of your hair in your eyes
like a prayer

maybe i’m just dreaming but it feels
like i’m meaning
to kiss you like you deserve
to be kissed

and maybe i’ll be screaming in the night
when words lose meaning
and maybe one day we’ll be missed

they say hush like a child,
words will come,
don’t be wild
you’re a wolf and your eyes
shine like gold

and they say hey, it’s not fair
how the colour of your hair
matches blindness in the air
how could you go anywhere
without me?

i say oh i’m all right
i’m just breathing in the sight
of the monsters that you
rend from the earth

i’ll tell you all my stories
days of old, days of glories
my heart will beat just for you

they say darling don’t be scared
there’s magic in the wind
you’re a chaos of a thing

dandelions grow in the cracks

– you’re good at that
be yellow like the sun
and i’ll watch you make them proud

screaming out loud
oh you’re screaming out loud
just keep screaming out loud
just keep screaming out loud –

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Oh these words don’t come so simple
When you’ve kept them locked away
And these bones are far too brittle
To lead you to astray

I tried to make you bleed
But I couldn’t make a fist
I tried to make you whimper
But we’ve never even kissed

This heart’s as easy to the beat
As it ever was
See you drowning in the heat
Of salt water clean us off

Kids we cried
We’re kids is all
Not old but bold and graceful yet
We’re kids we cried
Just kids not yet
Not ready for the bow
Yet crow’s feet tell a different tale
Like milk you’ve left us out

If you want words
I know them all
I’ll pour them out for you

Yet dreams we crash against the cliff
Darling one and you?

Kids we cried
We’re kids is all
Etc

I can love the bones of you
With luck that’s all that’s left
So eke the marrow out from me
The rot has set in quick

Yesterday could be someone
We’re not someone today
We tried our hardest
Made them laugh
Made them cry along the way

Kids we cried
We’re kids is all
Etc

Kids we cried
That’s all we’ll be
Til there’s nothing left at all
Never did grow up all the way
Sorry that’s my fault

Really rough phone recording of ideas, if you want to hear me talking to myself.
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So now you’ve peaked at thirty
And nobody’s here to save you
So you shove down bile
Like cheap whiskey
The burn in your throat
Asks if you’re still thirsty?

Like maybe there could be more than this
Like maybe you could breathe
Like maybe you’re not just wasted air
Between one blink and the grave

So now your bones are curving inwards
And your body shakes at night
Salt sweat brow on pillow case
Are these dreams sweet dreams
What you thought they would be?

So now you’re damned and empty yet
Howling wind in hollow frame
Do these screams belong to you?
Or is it just a noise you make
To keep your insides from spilling out

So now you’re older than you ever meant to be
You promised yourself a morphine drip
Six years gone and you’re still here
So now, so now, so now, you cry
So what? They say, times have changed
Leave your face in the mirror
And forget about shoes
Go outside in barefeet what’s there to lose?
This place is a prison, you’ll say it again
Yet you built it yourself you chose the fucking bars
So tell me again about what you think you deserve
And I’ll drive the white horses acting as hearse
Climb in, climb in, last call, let’s go
But dammit you’re not done but guess your number’s up
Tell a joke, it’s gallows humour and nobody laughs
Any last words for the audience due to applaud?
No. I didn’t think so. Call this your remorse.

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I have this dream – clean white sheets and the sun streaming in – dust motes in the air, getting caught in the rays – and it’s morning – it’s morning and I’ve been awake a little while – still drowsy but there’s nowhere to be so it’s okay – maybe it’s a weekend or maybe we made it – we don’t have to get up because our lives don’t depend on nine til five – I don’t know. But our hands – my left and your right – we’ve got them – I don’t know how to say it, sort of raised in the air between us, and it’s like a sense memory – none of this ever happened – but I can feel what it was like to push your fingers down and play with them – sliding my fingers between them like they were meant to be there – finding the tiny webs between them and being in awe of how delicate it all is – and how I wanted to bite at your knuckles because I was so in love that I wanted to hurt – like when you see something so beautiful you want to destroy it? And I dragged my nails down your wrist, gently, not even leaving marks, tracing the veins there and you were so breakable like maybe your bones were hollow and your skin shone in the morning light like maybe you were something otherworldly and you were, to me. And I remember thinking how lucky I was to have this. Like amber solidifying. This one moment. And it never happened. But God, it’s in my head and I can picture and feel every goddamn second of it, and if that isn’t the worst goddamn thing you ever heard –

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Need a bullet to the brain to clear my head
But I think I’d rather be dead instead
Learnt about Kurt Cobain when I was too young to know better
And now I crave that Seattle weather

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It’s been a thousand years or twenty minutes since I last wanted to die
Definitely one of the two
I’ve been counting my breaths, are you counting as well?
There’s something inside of me that’s golden,
This core of hope I can’t seem to qwell and I was wondering if you had any advice about that?

I’m a billion years old or I haven’t been born yet
Definitely one of the two
I exist in star stuff and the cosmic rays hitting the windowsill
I’m a long way from home, that much I know
Yet I’ve been here all along
Isn’t that strange?

I want to tell you what it’s like to be a moon to your sun
To reflect back light like a child reflecting love
Existing is –
Hard.

When you shimmer soft and glow yellow
I think to myself of the night sky and how dark it was up there
The sun is just another star, after all
And stars burn up all the time
So there I was, cold, alone, knowing that somewhere you were burning
And I was, what? A hunk of rock
Orbiting you, hoping you’d let me in

I’ll see you again when the daffodils bloom
And I promise I’m still breathing
There doesn’t seem like there’s enough air in this room for two
So maybe I’ll stay alone for a little while
If I have nothing to reflect then will I see myself?
Is that how this works?
Is it?

I collect you in the between moments
When there’s a lull in conversation and a gentle contentment washing through
I’ve been to space you know
And I crash landed in the ocean
And you know what I thought as I hit the water?
Dammit, I thought, dammit, I want to live

It’s not like that every day
But for today
With nothing but these words
I want to be here

And maybe tomorrow I’ll tell you something different
Because there are no straight lines when you move in eclipses
But right now?
It’s okay
And that’s all I can offer you
I hope that’s enough.

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I’ve neglected this blog, I know. Don’t even talk to me about my Youtube. These are the dead days, the days between Christmas and when the world starts to turn again, and with them comes the lethargy, the depression, all the things you really don’t want to talk about.

2019 was amazing for so many reasons, I can’t begin to list them, but obviously achieving a lifelong goal was amongst them – publishing How To Be Autistic has changed my life beyond measure, and I’m so immensely proud of creating something that people seem to enjoy. I’ve received more messages than I’d like to count, so much kindness, so much sadness, so many people who know what it feels like, but there’s hope there too, and that’s what I wanted more than anything else – hope and promise of a better tomorrow.

It still hasn’t sunk in, I hope you realise. I don’t think it ever really will. I don’t even remember being the person who wrote How To Be Autistic in a frenzy after winning the art award. I just know that somehow I did, and that that means somewhere there’s a spark in me that means I can do it again, somehow, somehow.

I have so many plans, so many things I want to share with you. I feel like for such a long time my world was a single room, this tiny box of four walls and the same views outside the window, but now it’s bigger, expanding just as the universe expands, and god, we are starstuff.

There’s so much potential, the world is fizzing with it. It’s a very weird thing to realise, that maybe the future holds something beyond the monotony, the every day, every goddamn day being exactly the same. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in years. I feel like I’ve woken up (and yet I’m still exhausted!).

I have plans for a new video, and I’m still trying to get my next book published. A goal I’ve made for myself is to publish something, anything, really. I’d also like to write something new, something substantial, 50k range. It takes an awful lot out of me to do so, but having written is such a beautiful feeling that it’s worth the torment of it all.

I feel so lucky that there are things I can’t even tell you about yet that are coming, and that might be coming. My world is straining at the seams, getting bigger still!

And I find myself appreciating my family now more than ever, watching my sister’s children grow and become proper little humans, feeling so incredibly old as they do so. They anchor me to this place, and in doing so, they keep me safe, even on the darkest days.

I owe so much to so many people, and I hope I can repay that. I don’t believe in karma, not really, but I believe in kindness and the power of it, so.

Here’s to a kinder 2020.

Poe xx