Poetry, Uncategorized, Writing

At night, stars rain

Sleep tight, gentle sigh

Lay down on your side

Your arm tucked close to mine

Outside, black and night

Inside, it’s all right

(So perhaps I don’t dream anymore.)

Breathe in, then out

There’s comfort in coming home

If I close my eyes I can even pretend

That you’re her, and that the world didn’t end.

Poetry, Uncategorized, Writing

What is a wasteland,
But a place where no-one’s home?
There is dust on my shoulders
Scum on my teeth
And death in the air
Soft on the breeze

What is a bomb site,
But a place where no-one’s home?
There is blood on my brow
And stark white broken bone
Broken glass from the mirror above the hearth
Broken heart beats broken heart

What is wilderness,
But a place where no-one’s home?
There is dirt between my toes
And mud in my eyelashes
I wash my hands in the river but they never come clean
The forest is a promise is a measure of a means

What is a body,
But a place where no-one’s home?
There is a gap between my fingers were yours should be
And a sense memory of warmth that shivers cold frigid colder
Bruises on my hips fade green blue yellow gone
And like a watercolour painting left out in the rain
I run and I run and I run

(This house isn’t a home without you.)

Poetry, Uncategorized, Writing

i knew a boy
with calluses on his hands
from heavy work and drunken fights
from sweat drenched days and less than holy nights
(he told me he loved me as i wiped away blood, and it felt like remorse)

they sent him off to war, you see
i wondered if they’d come for me
they never did and he never wrote
and my life moved on in factory rote
(he told me he loved me before he left, and it felt like a eulogy)

i knew a boy
who kissed me ’til my lips were bruised
there was a scar neatly tucked between his ribs
and sinful certainty as his hands slid past my hips
(he told me he loved me in that moment, and it felt like a prayer)

he came back from the war, you see
i wondered what he’d think of me
his eyes were bruised from the inside out
and there were things he’d never talk about
(he didn’t tell me he loved me, his eyes darting away)

they made him a soldier when i knew him as a boy –
they made him a killer when i knew him as a lover –
he taught me to love and they taught him destroy –
he taught me his skin and they gave him memories that smother;
(he didn’t tell me he loved me, in fact, he didn’t say much at all)

i knew a boy
(i knew a boy)
he went away and came back a man
and i wonder what the cost of that was
what kind of scales can weigh a soul
and how heavy is my debt
for not following in his footsteps
(he didn’t tell me he loved me, and i wondered if this was his anger)

i knew a boy
and he knew me too
and i hope one day
when whimpered nightmares begin to fade
i’ll know him again
and he’ll know me too
and he’ll be a boy again
and we’ll wash the war away
in a tin bath, lukewarm water
toothpaste kisses, damp hair
until then –
(i’ll love him enough for the both of us
until the words don’t burn on his tongue any more.)

Poetry, Uncategorized, Writing

we are very small
objectively, this is true
there are moons and planets and stars
much, much bigger than us

there is a gravity to a soul
a gravity to being
to looking into another’s eyes,
and really seeing

we orbit like satellites, and
we hope our paths will cross someday
as we beep boop our way across
the solar system so wide

we took our first breath at the same time
as the universe breathed hers
we are the mixed up children of the cosmos
our star stuff echoing in our eyes

we are very small
objectively, this is true
there are moons and planets and stars
much, much bigger than us

(but you make me feel –
– like i am floating in space;
– that the stars were placed there for me,
and for you, to stare at together;
– like the universe thrums in your veins,
and the echo of her song comes out in your words,
and i am eternal, we are eternal, and time –
time is the universe taking a breath,
as she steadies our hearts to beat in sync)

Poetry, Uncategorized, Writing

when you tell me that –
that everything was imagined
that the last two years
were two years of dreams
and the held breath of hope
was really the suffocation
of a crushed situation
and then you say
because you’re not being ‘patronising’
that it’s my fault
that i should never have looked at you
as someone i could have loved
that i should never have taken the time
to try to get to know you
and that the time i took
didn’t really count on the clock anyway
i wonder how much harder i could have tried
and if you’d have ever been satisfied
and i wonder why i feel like i did something wrong
and why i feel like my heart is breaking
when every thought was for you
i wrote you a thousand lines
each of them a message in a bottle
i’d hoped you’d find
because you told me you liked me too
so i guess i believed you
more fool me, easy to deceive
and once again i am a zero sum
and i wonder how many more times
i can do this before
alone seems like the better option.

 

(author’s note: i’m not doing so well right now. coming out of a two year… what i thought was quite a serious thing and being told i’m the reason it could never have been serious, it’s hard. because the poetry anthology ‘turn soft & lovely’ was written almost entirely about the person, i need to sell them off and get them out of my sight, so they’re reduced to clear on my etsy. thanks for reading.)

Poetry, Uncategorized, Writing

the opposite of love

isn’t hate, but indifference

and as i ended the call

your voice ringing in my ears

i couldn’t understand why

i didn’t feel anything at all

i thought this was what

i want

(oh, how i wanted)

but now

the idea of you touching me

makes me shiver

for all the wrong reasons

Books, Poetry, Publishing, Uncategorized, Writing

My previous post discussed the eBook and Amazon print editions, but here is the official hand signed and numbered edition!

Turn Soft And Lovely: A Poetry Collection zine

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/541925059/turn-soft-and-lovely-a-poetry-collection

48 pages, professionally printed, really lovely thick pages, very tactile and just so nice to hold. Limited first run of eleven copies, which will be numbered. Can be signed on request. More than willing to trade for art/zines/shiny shiny trinkets. I am so, so proud of this, it’s been a year in the making but I think it’s finally paid off.

Books, Poetry, Publishing, Uncategorized, Writing

TURNSOFTANDLOVELYCOVER

Very pleased and proud to announce that my collection of poetry is now available on Amazon through Kindle and also, thanks to their new publishing scheme, as a real, physical book! I’ve kept costs as low as I can make them, this isn’t a for-profit enterprise. I will also be making a few copies privately through lulu.com with a different back cover design which can be signed and will be available on my etsy if you are interested in that.

I’m very proud of the poetry in this book, and though it’s only a small volume I think it’s very… lovely. I hope you do too.

Purchase links

eBook: US | UK | (other countries can be accessed through these links)

Actual physical book: US | UK | (other countries can also purchase)

Etsy link: to be announced after I’ve received the proofs